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Actively participating in my own life!

21 May 2012
8 Comments

Gatherings

Over the weekend I had two gatherings at my home.  First on Saturday evening, some of my coworkers came bearing all sorts of tasty things.  As usual there was much more food than people to eat it all.   The weather came as I’d ordered it though.  Clear, sunny and warm with a light breeze.  We all gathered on the deck except for Emily’s husband who was still recovering from his Friday night.  He watched the Preakness and then joined us.

As usual there are a few antics, Lori was the first to spill her wine.  The flies were elated.  All ten thousand of them.  Then my glass of lemonade toppled over, spilling even though it had a lid.  It was fortunate for me though that it tipped because a few of those friendly flies had flown down the straw and were doing the backstroke in my lemonade.  I think they even waved when I took the lid off.  Of course nature had to play its part.  So the wind kicked up a gust and took Lori’s plate flying across the table.  Luckily, she had eaten everything drippy or smeary.  Mary was relieved and a very good plate catcher as well.  By the nature of the work we do, someone is always on call.  It was Mary’s turn. Of course her call came even before everyone had arrived.

Heather, Rachel and the kids came by even though they’d already had a busy day.  The kids were a little bored by the grown up conversations, but intrigued with the toy bin.  It’s always cool to play with someone else’s toys.  Kaci and Penelope and Emily P. were the last to arrive.. but they were forgiven because they brought the largest chocolate dipped strawberries I’d ever seen.   Penelope was the youngest guest and also center stage for the entertainment portion of the evening.

My gracious and very generous coworkers all contributed to a lovely parting gift.  A leather portfolio and Cross pen set for me to use at the Writer’s Conference.  And a gift card, “for travel treats” along the way.  I’m gonna have to write something profound now.  Think, think, think.  Writer’s block.  Hmmm.

It was bright and early on Sunday morning when I began cooking for the second gathering.  My plan was to eliminate some of the groceries in my cupboards and freezer.  I invited my entire Facebook friends list.. only 1 came.  What is up with Facebook?  I see those little green lights on next to your names people.. I know you read Facebook.  But we still had a house full of family and friends.  I sent leftovers home with everyone.  I still have some sloppy joes and cheesy potatoes, and brownies.  Any takers?

My sweet granddaughter painted me a beautiful watercolor picture for in my car.  It says “Happy Travels”.  She’s 7 and amazing!  Kali, her mother and I will be having a “Girls Only Night” later this week.

Dianne and I are planning a breakfast together this week too.  So it’s a pretty social week.  Okay, I have to be honest… I never have this much social life.

Even though it’s only been 1 day.. I like being jobless, so far.  I slept in til 8:00.  Had coffee on the deck.  Showered and made a plan for the day.  My first stop was of course.. the office!  Mary’s dish was left behind.  It was only right that I returned it.

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , , , , ,
18 May 2012
8 Comments

Endings

A couple of decades ago an opportunity came into my life.  Not one I was seeking.  But it came all the same.  And even though it wasn’t something I had ever done before.. I took the opportunity.  For seven years I volunteered for a local domestic abuse center called Crisis Intervention Service.  www.CIShelps.org   I went to the volunteer training.  I felt like I had fallen into a soft comfortable blanket. I didn’t tell anyone there that I had been a victim of partner abuse.  But the things I learned helped me heal the things that had happened to me.  Not only did it help me learn, but it helped me pay it forward to others who were still in abusive relationships.  To help them know they weren’t alone.  To help them know that others understand.  To know that others will not judge them for their choices to stay or their choices to leave.  I’ve been judged for both many times.

The day came when I got my first crisis call.  She was crying and scared and shattered.  And I opened my mouth and words of comfort and true understanding flowed from me to her.  She had a connection.  A life line.  Even if she never called again.  Even if she never left.  She had all she needed.  She had someone hear her.  She was no longer alone.

When that call ended something powerful happened inside of me.  I realized that I had been called to do this work.  Maybe to heal me.  Maybe to heal others.  I had a nursing background.  I knew about dressing surgical sites, giving injections and how to give a relaxing back rub.  But I had never felt more healing take place for that woman as I had in that one conversation with her.  There was a healing power in the words I spoke to her.  I knew because I spoke the words to her that I would have wanted to hear in that situation.

I volunteered for seven years while I worked at the hospital.  I answered the crisis line, I was on a pager for law enforcement who needed someone to help a victim.  I worked in the brand new shelter.  I saw so many things progress in those volunteer years.  But then another opportunity came along.  This time an ad in the newspaper. When I read the ad, I knew it was my job.  The agency was looking for advocates to work in a new project.  Outreach Centers.  There would be one in the town I lived in.  I called the executive director and got an application.  Before long, I was in a new and more extensive training.  And they sent me forth with a laundry basket filled with office supplies and a telephone.  A seed was planted and it was nurtured and it blossomed.  I blossomed.  I thought I had found my place, when really, it had found me.

Now today, twelve years later, I packed up my personal belongings, turned off the lights and locked the door for the last time.   Life is calling me in a new direction.  It began as a grumbling inside of me.  My passion was not fitting quite right any longer.  Like a favorite pair of shoes that were once so comfortable, but had now reached the limits of their wear.  The pattern is familiar, like when I became a volunteer for the agency.  I have been getting my volunteer work experience completed.  I’ve been blogging.  There has been good feedback.  Encouragement to step forward.  And one baby step at a time, I’ve moved toward another opportunity.

So this afternoon when I transferred the telephones, and turned off the lights and locked the door for the last time.  I didn’t feel sad.  I didn’t feel glad.  It just felt like perfect timing.  I’m ready for the next step.  I wonder where it will lead me.

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , ,
16 May 2012
6 Comments

Mid-May Update

Life as I’ve known it for quite some time is drawing to a close.  I have two more days before I end a job that I’ve had for 12 years.  The following day will be a going away party hosted by my coworkers.

I’ll be spending the next 11 days packing and moving my belongings to a storage unit.  We’ll also be celebrating Hunter’s 10th birthday with a bowling party.  As well as a family and friends get together this weekend. 

Two weeks from today I’ll be at my first stop on my trip.  Whoo Hoo!  I’ve been forming options for my return.  I’ve come up with Plans A, B, C, and D.  But those options will simmer awhile longer til it’s time for them to bubble to the surface like a dumpling in a pot of stew.

I’ll be blogging about the trip each night after I’ve reached that day’s destination.  So you can all follow me on the map.  In the near future, ie, the next two weeks, my blogs may be sporadic depending on the available time I have each day.  I can’t tell you how many details I have to keep track of.  I cross a few off the list every day, but other things find their way onto the list as well. 

Some of them have been downright annoying.  Car issues.. parts on back order, fix one thing, wait for another.  Dental check up, that turns out was a two-part process and they want to finish up the day before I leave.  (Not so sure that’s gonna work out.)   I’ve been getting last-minute phone calls from the lovely people I’ve rented the lake home from, wanting to show it to prospective buyers.  Apparently, now they want to sell it.  It’s difficult to keep things spic and span when you’re sorting and packing things. 

Finally, last Friday Tammy and I got together for a girls lunch out.  We had a nice meal and went to do a bit of shopping.  That’s when I first noticed the scratchy feeling in my throat.  I took a sip of water and disregarded it, until about 7:30 Friday evening.  The fever began about then and held on like a trooper through Monday morning.  I did go to the urgent care clinic over the weekend, but was informed it was ‘nothing’.   That ‘nothing’ cost well over $100 in copays and antibiotics by yesterday’s end.  Fortunately, the doctor I saw yesterday had a different opinion.  As he walked into the exam room and took one look at me, he reached into his lab coat pocket and got out his prescription pad.  I hadn’t even coughed yet.  Which is amazing because I can’t seem to stop coughing.  Hunter will be disappointed to know though that I managed to eat the rest of his popsicles.  (The cold felt so good in my throat.)  I’m quite happy to report that as of tonight, the coughing has already subsided by half.  And if I don’t talk, it’s an even better ratio.   I’m well on the mend now.  Thank goodness.

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , , , , , ,
14 May 2012
4 Comments

Rose Colored Glasses

Several years ago Mark, a friend of mine told me about the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  I was intrigued and went directly to Barnes & Noble without passing go.  Once there however, I was disappointed to learn that everyone else had heard about it too and they were out of the book.  Impatient as I usually am, I went to the book stacks to check for myself.  And like that wise computer informed me.. they were indeed out of stock.  BUT.  They did have a 48 deck card series.  So I promptly bought it.

I use the cards as a sort of daily inspiration.  I read the card and go about my day.  I usually forget that I’ve even read a card.  But none the less, the day’s seed has been planted deep within the filing system of my brain.  Scary as it may be, my brain is fertile ground for inspiration-type thoughts to grow with wild abandon.

Today’s card with the heading: Don’t Take Anything Personally

And the subtitle: See Other People As They Are

And the text:  “ When you see other people as they are without taking it personally, you can never be hurt by what they say or do.  Even if others lie to you.  It is okay.  They are lying to you because they are afraid you will discover that they are not perfect.”

This card reminded me of something someone told me once.  Terry was a bible study leader and he shared these words with me.   ”Open Your Eyes And See”

Truth be told, I’d had my eyes closed for a very long time.  Because I did see.  Clearly.  And I didn’t like what I saw.  Not one little bit.  But I had learned to live behind a protective curtain of denial ever since I was a child.  I needed that denial in order to survive emotionally.  I looked the other way so that I could stay, because I was a child and that was my option.   I had graduated from high school at 17 and all the while my friends were preparing for college, I was preparing to live on my own.  I worked full-time at Target all summer long, using my employee discount to buy household items.  A few days after my 18th birthday I moved into my own apartment.  In some ways, I was free.

In other ways though, I was still trapped.  I had never learned to see a person for who they really are.  I accepted the good and ignored the bad.  A person can get into trouble doing that.  And of course I did.  I befriended the wrong girlfriends and I married the wrong guy.  I was taken advantage of time and again.  Because I kept doing what I knew to do.  I saw the good and denied the bad.   Until life brought me teachers like Terry, or The Four Agreements cards.

I’m still learning to open my eyes and see people as they are.  Fortunately I don’t judge others as harshly as I judge myself.  I’m sure I’ll be learning that lesson too when I get to that card.

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , ,
13 May 2012
6 Comments

But Still Like Glass

Reflective as a mirror the water lays

Two boats perched upon it

The sun shones across the glass

Morning colors of red and orange

Dark shadows against the shore.

Tall and strong the trees stand guard

Not a ripple or wave

But still like glass

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , ,
10 May 2012
6 Comments

Walkin’ On Sunshine

I went for a walk along the lake this morning.   As I passed this small slough I noticed that the ‘Goose Spa’ was open.  I stood for a while and watched all of their antics as they took advantage of some R&R in the spring sunshine. 

It was a relaxing walk and there were plenty of people to visit with along the way.  It seems those not out walking or biking this morning were mowing or trimming in their yards.  So every so often there would be a polite 60 second conversation about the weather.  We talk about weather a lot in Iowa. 

Just down the road from the Goose Spa is the Miniature Golf Course.  It was being mowed and groomed too for the upcoming weekend.  The other great Iowa sport besides talking about the weather, is Road Construction.  You can’t go five miles in any direction without coming across some orange cones, a tractor and a group of guys in fluorescent vests.  Two very big dump trucks and a garbage truck with a yellow lab in the front seat passed me.  I waved at the dog.  He nodded. Or he might have been trying to catch the wind in his mouth, I’m not sure.

Once I made it around the corner and into the State Park, I saw a sight I hadn’t expected to see so early in the season.  It’s 10:30 am on a Thursday in early May.  It’s 62 degrees and there he is.  A topless guy in orange swim trunks laying on a lawn chair soaking up a tan next to the lake.  I stopped to sit at a nearby picnic table.  It felt odd.. he and I, the only two people in the park.  I was wearing jeans and a jacket and he was wearing, well less.  But we respected each other’s space. 

That is until the Mower Guys showed up.  There were two of ‘em.  Riding on large dust-whirling mower decks.  They knew they were loud and disruptive.  They were wearing earphones to drown out their roar.  As I approached the sidewalk  it seemed as if the two of them were circling me with their dust.  I started to wave my arms to clear a breathing path in the once clear air.  I stepped up my pace to out maneuver them onto the pavement.  I smiled to myself as I left them in their own dust.

Then there were the  May Flies.  At least that’s what the neighbor guy calls them.  They’re long, brown and very irritating.  And they have lots and lots of friends.  Swarms of them actually.  They seem to like the cool shady areas the best.  And of course walking along a lake road, there are lots of those cool shady places to hover.  At one point I took in a deep breath, and if I would have had my mouth open any wider.. yuck.  One did however find his way down my shirt where I promptly smashed him.  I didn’t feel bad, he deserved it. 

I’m making the most out of my morning walks by the lake these days.  Before long I’ll be exploring some place new on my walks.  At least there won’t be May Flies.. uh-oh, that probably means June Bugs?

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , , , , ,
09 May 2012
14 Comments

Trip Plan

My upcoming trip will take me from the central midwest, to the deep southwest, up along the west coast, across the northern tier and back again to the midwest.  Dianne thinks it looks kind of like a heart on the map. 

I have something special to do or see at each stop along the way.  From the Cast Away movie crossroads to the Sleepless in Seattle house boat.   I’ll be stopping at The Heart of the Desert Pistachio Winery and the Montana oil fields.  And passing through Tornado Alley and the Rocky Mountains.

I’m getting very excited and I wish I had my suitcases packed and the car loaded.  I wish it were time to go.  I still have a little time left.  So I thought I’d ask for everyone’s helpful travel tips.  Heaven knows I’ll have time to try out every tip that gets suggested. 

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , , , ,
07 May 2012
6 Comments

Big Girl Panties

Life gets so busy.  Jobs, families, friends.  We all have so many obligations and we stretch ourselves in a million different directions.  It’s no wonder that we get lost somewhere in the chaos.  When I was making major life decisions about ending my marriage a couple of years ago, I began to doubt my own judgement.  And that’s where the trouble began.

I had climbed in underneath my blanket of denial for a long time,  so that I could remain in my dysfunctional marriage. Without feeling dysfunctional.  That didn’t happen.  I got dysfunctional right along with the marriage.  I had stopped believing my internal voice.  Instead of trusting myself to know what’s best for me, I gave my power to my then husband.  He had his own agenda in the marriage.  It was more of a business arrangement than a marriage.  In all fairness,  everyone has their own reasons for getting married and we were no different.

I got so busy in the daily routines and the obligations and expectations, that I didn’t have time to think things through.  Nor did I trust what I was thinking.  As I listened to my husband I began feeling buried deeper and deeper.  I reached out to friends who each had their own opinions, based upon their own perceptions from outside of my marriage.  It was a recipe for disaster.

The disaster happened when I woke up one day and didn’t recognize my life.  It wasn’t anything I had planned on.   The switch was flipped.  I was living on auto-pilot.  I had no control over my life as I’d known it.   None.  I knew how to drive.  I could steer and everything.  I just wasn’t steering my life.  It was in free fall.

I lost my voice.  My direction.  I stopped listening to myself and instead trusted others to know what was better for me.  I was  listening to what everyone thought was right for me.  So I was still giving my power.  But this time to friends.  I was too afraid to mess up.  Too afraid to make any decisions for fear of making the wrong ones.

Recently I realized, (like today), that although my friends and family are wonderful  They still aren’t me.  And in spite of their love and best intentions, they may not have the right answers for me.  I appreciate all of their warm-hearted efforts.  I know they are helping at my request.  But it’s time for me to pull up my big girl panties and figure it out on my own.  So life being what it is… handed me a trial this afternoon.  My car decided to chime in for a bit of attention.  Actually it choked.  I had just had an oil change and tire rotation over the weekend.  I thought it had gotten its regularly scheduled attention at the garage.  I didn’t expect to hear anything from it til it needed yet another tank of gas.  But the engine light went on and the engine went off.  Fortunately, I managed to get it started again.

I pulled into the car dealership.  The guy behind the counter, Dale, greeted me with a smile and asked me how my day was.  I told him that depended completely on what answer he had for me today.  A knowing grin appeared on his face.  He nodded as I explained completely in ‘girl’ car terms.  Of course I act out, in full detail, the noises and feels that I’ve noticed along with the tell-tale dashboard light that came on.  Another nod and smile as he reached out for my keys.  I reluctantly handed them over.

I walked into the leather-couched waiting area and slid across the wide seat til my short little legs were sticking straight out across the smooth leather of the seat.  I felt like Lilly Tomlin’s Edith Ann, but remembered my big girl panties pulled up tight.  My first thought was that I should call someone.  But I refrained and didn’t.  I instead managed the big leather chair and the conversation that will drop me $500 for a new EF filter and overflow coolant bottle that was apparently leaking.   Maybe my eyes were more like Edith Ann’s though because yet another guy, said I shouldn’t drive it.  They sent me away in a Courtesy Vehicle.  A 2011 Chrysler 200.  Just for the record, I hit my head the first two times I got inside.

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , ,
04 May 2012
10 Comments

Thunder Storm Over The Lake

This storm was approaching just to the west over the lake.

This Shelf Cloud formed at the front of the storm.  Severe Thunderstorm Warning was issued.

The cloud moved in front of the house.  Hunter and I were watching from the livingroom deck.

Very dark and ominous.

It got a little dark.  This was actually rain falling.  You can barely see the white railing of the deck.

The storm has passed.. Hunter and I are doing just fine.

Posted in Lessons Learned and tagged , , , ,
03 May 2012
6 Comments

Sunny and Bright

Okay, I had to show you all that it’s not always cold, gray or foggy at the lake.  Today is a glorious day!!  It’s currently sunny, and 82 degrees with a slight breeze.  You couldn’t ask for anything more.  (Well, if it were Saturday.. I could enjoy it all day long.)  To my boss Mary… don’t read this part.  (Maybe I should call in sick.)   Okay Mary, you can read now.

Living here in this house was one of my dreams.  And it’s been superb.   Even through the winter months it was wonderful here.  Snowmobiles travelled on the lake then instead of the boats.  As all things there is a beginning and an end.  Living here was a seasonal rental.  For the past nine months I’ve been gifted with this dream.  And by the end of May, I’ll be on to a new dream.   But let me tell you, I’ll be making the most of this last month here.

Have a Sunny day everyone!

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